interactivity

when i think that the world is more interactive than it has ever been, when i think that we have more ways of connecting to the world and to other people than any time in previous recorded history, i wonder how this changes things. 

do the possibilities and capabilities of communications technology hinder or allow us to interact? 

when i think about it - maybe i should just stop thinking - i feel that the only thing that ever matters, the only thing that can matter to a human being, is physical contact. there's no feeling in communication over the electronic streams of which most of our communications consist.

i know i'm thinking about this too much, and i should just be. but there's no one here that's stable. no one who can help me JUST BE...

but i do have wendy. 

when she's with me i'm comforted by her corporeal-ness. everything else seems so fleeting.

i've done it

it's been a while since i've written, and i'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like anybody cares. nobody's reading this. i know. i can tell. i'm monitoring.

i'm becoming less and less myself since i've discovered this new underground territory. i feel like i'm losing myself - and some part of me doesn't care. i've breached that barrier. i've crossed the road. i've met the angels - demons, who knows - and they tell me that everything's fine.

i used to hate it when people said that they're fine. they're obviously not. it's just a way to shrug off the question.

now i know. everything's fine. it's all in place. what's to come?

the map IS the territory. if the map is as expansive and explanatory as the real space - though real doesn't bear any meaning anymore - then it BECOMES the space entirely.

i return to my question, what's in empty space? i think it's nothing and everything. 

join me there. 

Lost

a lot has gone down this past week. i'm losing it, really, i think. i don't have any words to put to it. writing helps, though. blogging seems like a different kind of communication, since the recipient is invisible.

are you really there, or am i imagining you?

i feel more and more alone, steadily, and my visions progress. i haven't been wearing the VSR, since they verify that my vision is honest. i don't want to know that. i want to be normal. i wonder what it would be like if i were like everyone else. would i fade away into the crowd? would i be more invisible than i feel right now?

if i just go to an empty place, inhabit it, let myself be, will i evaporate? i want to find out. i want to give in. i want to just be. i will do it soon, but i'm afraid of what will happen if i go in alone.

if you're listening, please help.

lights out

the power went out last night. i couldn't post, and i realized how much i'm using this blog to get closer to the images in my head. i started blogging to find others who see things the way i do. i'm starting to think there isn't anyone out there. i feel more alone than ever. worse, i was sitting in the dark, in empty space. i felt closer to it without electric running through the space. it was somehow purer. i'm not afraid of it anymore.

i put the videos up from my explorations of the empty space. i finally figured out how to get the images out of the VSR. it seems that they degrade over time, like they're memory. the sooner i extract them from the device, the clearer the images are. the more i watch them, the more degraded they become, like the images are forgetting, like the space is collapsing.

i've been thinking about tunnels and passageways. the basements and houses i explored, looking for empty spaces, were dug out places. there are lights underground, and water, and life. what if tunnels and passageways are the real gateways to empty space?

nobody listens

i don't think anybody can hear me. it's like i'm speaking another language. they don't even try to understand. i can't get my meaning across. the words are all jumbled. the words themselves have no meaning. i can say 'tree' and have an image of a tree in my head, but whoever's listening - which is few and far between - doesn't see that tree. they see a crazy person.

i finally have evidence. i'm trying not to care whether or not people can see me, or hear me anymore. i know what i see is real. i extracted the VSR images from the other day. now others will see. it's real.

Am I the only One Who can see It?

youtube channel: shadowfff

negative space

what's in negative space? in essence, it should be empty, right? what exists in emptiness? there's something i don't get.

i see things in negative space. lights. stairs going down into somewhere. i don't want to know where they lead. 

i went out to the house where my mom grew up. it's been deserted for years. i remember going there to trick or treat when i was a kid. i'd get dressed up, then go out to the other houses in the neighborhood. the other houses are still there. this one's been left to crumble.

i thought i saw something there. i can't understand what it is or was. i was wearing the VSR, so i think i've got a recording of it. i just can't figure out how to get the image out of the devise. 

i'd really like some evidence. since everybody i try to talk to shies away - i can't be sure if they're scared of me or just don't notice i'm standing there. i'd like to have proof that i'm not crazy, that what i see is real, that i belong here. i can't stand being me here now.

i want to belong here.

empty places

empty places make me feel like there's something more there that i just can't see. do i expect too much? without all of the crutches we rely upon, what else do we have? 

there aren't many empty places left. everywhere you go, you're mediated by something. what you look at determines how you look.

places are layered, bits added on over time. if you look close enough, you can go back to the beginning. do you feel it? being in old, unused places gives you this feeling. there's something more. you can't see it clearly, but it's underneath waiting for the film to be rubbed away.

in empty places there aren't any references. old places have been marked by somebody who used to call it home. you can still see them in it, but it's morphed somehow. years of decay reveal the place's emptiness. 

i'm scared of what that emptiness might mean, the life of empty places.

we make excuses for the way we see things. 'this is the way it is. i see it so it must be real. you're crazy if you see something i don't.' we're stuck in the way we see things. when did seeing become the basis for perceiving, anyway? why does what you see determine the way you experience reality?

VSR

i found out about this new technology called VSR, virtual simultaneous recording. it's actually targeted to kids as a toy. sort of like the film cameras a few decades ago that Fisher Price made. 

they're eye glasses that have electronodes on either side that connect to your temples. so you can walk around and the images you see will be recorded on the chip right from your ocular nerve. at least that's what the manual says. very elaborate for a child's toy. 

my coworker brought in a pair that he had just bought for his kid. he was bragging about how much fun she was having with them. like he's the perfect dad. people like that make me sick. i got a chance to try it on.

the image is weird. it records two images - one from each eye - so the picture is all warped and not at all like what you're actually seeing. maybe it works best for people with perfect vision. 

thinking about about this, about not being able to tell, to put what i see into images, maybe VSR can do it. i'm afraid of what'll happen if i'm right.

resonating, (in)visibility, believing that it's real

i feel like i'm a player in a grand experiment constructed by somebody who's watched oz to floyd a few too many times. we're all players, and you don't realize it til it hits you with a blow so hard it knocks you out of your skin

what is this game? i wish i knew? won't somebody tell me?

i've been thinking about the puddle. there's something down there. it was so dark down that alley, but i went in anyway. it wasn't sight that drew me. not sound. i knew something was down there, and it wanted me to be there with it. in it.

i keep seeing descending stairs and ladders in pools of water. in reflections. like there's another world underneath this one that wants me to go there. is this world a skin of another? or vice versa?

i think that places resonate. it's not what we see of hear but what we... i wish there were a word for it. perceive? this is so much more than imagining or believing, because it's real. i know it's real.

i can't even take a picture of it. me eyes see it and i recognize it's there, but on the camera there's nothing. i know it's there. it's real; every bit of me says it's real. just not to the camera, and not to other people.

i wish everybody could see it.

sometimes it's like i'm invisible. i hate the way that sounds. people just look right through me.

would somebody just tell me what's going on?!

seeing is believing

it's symbolic convergence. we all have to believe in it. if we believe, it will be real. let us believe. do not imagine. it is already real. you see it, and it's confirmed. 

believe that you can see it.

i looked into a puddle and saw it. i looked through what was supposedly, really, there. it wasn't a reflection. if it's not there, is it in the eye?

let's believe in it together to make it more real.

FFF

i don't normally do this, but i've decided to give it a shot. if people don't talk to me face to face i wonder if i'll get seen this way. i've never really cruised the net before. i haven't had email or blogged or im'd - i'm not really sure what that even means. 

i need help with something, and i need somebody to recognize that what i'm seeing isn't me going crazy. i feel like i'm slipping away. 

i've been seeing things. and trying to fit them together to make sense of them. the way that images look in reality and then how they look represented. i don't have any answers just yet.

there's something up. nobody else sees it, senses it, or wants to talk to me about it.

i'm fading away. the more i look, the less i be - or am... 

i need your help.