I'm Back

i haven't written in a while and i'm sorry. I've been busy and pre-occupied. i thought that i had been writing only for myself - and it turns out i'm right. i have no followers and no one has really viewed my blog. what is it they say? cest la vie.

i've been holding on. earlier today i thought i saw another person in Wendy. still not sure about that. i think life is better when you're not looking. i like listening to music and books on tape, podcasts especially, because you don't need to see anything. 

sometimes i can't see anything at all. my eyesight goes blurry at first, then goes out completely. music helps, and spoken word.

i don't think my eyesight will get any better. when i'm trying to see, i stop listening - and vice versa. sometimes i wish i had a second sight. 

interactivity

when i think that the world is more interactive than it has ever been, when i think that we have more ways of connecting to the world and to other people than any time in previous recorded history, i wonder how this changes things. 

do the possibilities and capabilities of communications technology hinder or allow us to interact? 

when i think about it - maybe i should just stop thinking - i feel that the only thing that ever matters, the only thing that can matter to a human being, is physical contact. there's no feeling in communication over the electronic streams of which most of our communications consist.

i know i'm thinking about this too much, and i should just be. but there's no one here that's stable. no one who can help me JUST BE...

but i do have wendy. 

when she's with me i'm comforted by her corporeal-ness. everything else seems so fleeting.

i've done it

it's been a while since i've written, and i'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like anybody cares. nobody's reading this. i know. i can tell. i'm monitoring.

i'm becoming less and less myself since i've discovered this new underground territory. i feel like i'm losing myself - and some part of me doesn't care. i've breached that barrier. i've crossed the road. i've met the angels - demons, who knows - and they tell me that everything's fine.

i used to hate it when people said that they're fine. they're obviously not. it's just a way to shrug off the question.

now i know. everything's fine. it's all in place. what's to come?

the map IS the territory. if the map is as expansive and explanatory as the real space - though real doesn't bear any meaning anymore - then it BECOMES the space entirely.

i return to my question, what's in empty space? i think it's nothing and everything. 

join me there. 

Lost

a lot has gone down this past week. i'm losing it, really, i think. i don't have any words to put to it. writing helps, though. blogging seems like a different kind of communication, since the recipient is invisible.

are you really there, or am i imagining you?

i feel more and more alone, steadily, and my visions progress. i haven't been wearing the VSR, since they verify that my vision is honest. i don't want to know that. i want to be normal. i wonder what it would be like if i were like everyone else. would i fade away into the crowd? would i be more invisible than i feel right now?

if i just go to an empty place, inhabit it, let myself be, will i evaporate? i want to find out. i want to give in. i want to just be. i will do it soon, but i'm afraid of what will happen if i go in alone.

if you're listening, please help.

lights out

the power went out last night. i couldn't post, and i realized how much i'm using this blog to get closer to the images in my head. i started blogging to find others who see things the way i do. i'm starting to think there isn't anyone out there. i feel more alone than ever. worse, i was sitting in the dark, in empty space. i felt closer to it without electric running through the space. it was somehow purer. i'm not afraid of it anymore.

i put the videos up from my explorations of the empty space. i finally figured out how to get the images out of the VSR. it seems that they degrade over time, like they're memory. the sooner i extract them from the device, the clearer the images are. the more i watch them, the more degraded they become, like the images are forgetting, like the space is collapsing.

i've been thinking about tunnels and passageways. the basements and houses i explored, looking for empty spaces, were dug out places. there are lights underground, and water, and life. what if tunnels and passageways are the real gateways to empty space?

nobody listens

i don't think anybody can hear me. it's like i'm speaking another language. they don't even try to understand. i can't get my meaning across. the words are all jumbled. the words themselves have no meaning. i can say 'tree' and have an image of a tree in my head, but whoever's listening - which is few and far between - doesn't see that tree. they see a crazy person.

i finally have evidence. i'm trying not to care whether or not people can see me, or hear me anymore. i know what i see is real. i extracted the VSR images from the other day. now others will see. it's real.

Am I the only One Who can see It?

youtube channel: shadowfff

negative space

what's in negative space? in essence, it should be empty, right? what exists in emptiness? there's something i don't get.

i see things in negative space. lights. stairs going down into somewhere. i don't want to know where they lead. 

i went out to the house where my mom grew up. it's been deserted for years. i remember going there to trick or treat when i was a kid. i'd get dressed up, then go out to the other houses in the neighborhood. the other houses are still there. this one's been left to crumble.

i thought i saw something there. i can't understand what it is or was. i was wearing the VSR, so i think i've got a recording of it. i just can't figure out how to get the image out of the devise. 

i'd really like some evidence. since everybody i try to talk to shies away - i can't be sure if they're scared of me or just don't notice i'm standing there. i'd like to have proof that i'm not crazy, that what i see is real, that i belong here. i can't stand being me here now.

i want to belong here.